Unsettled

I feel like my life is in limbo right now. Don't get me wrong, many things are going well... I like my job for the most part, I'm finally almost done with school, I have a wonderful family and great friends, a beautiful home and the sweetest little dog in the world. My husband is outgoing, funny, cute and everybody loves him. He makes a great living and he loves me deeply. He's ready to have kids.

But I don't feel the same way about him anymore.

And therein lies the problem. I feel that I've been slowly falling out of love with him for the last year and a half, maybe longer. I still love him, but I'm not in love with him. We've had our ups and downs since we've been married and things have not been terrible by any means. Yes, we've bickered a lot, and things haven't been great in the bedroom for a long while. He still treats me really well and I know he loves me, but I don't miss him when he's gone and I look forward to the time I spend without him. I try to be out of the house as much as I can. I don't want him to touch me. I feel terrible saying that but it's the truth. I feel like he's a great friend and roommate, but that's it.

I've told him many times in the last year and a half that we have some things we need to work on, and we've argued about it and said yes, we'll try this, blah blah blah, but it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other with him. For a while I thought I was falling into a depression again but really, everything else in my life is going great. The only thing causing me stress right now is our relationship. I finally told him last week that I can't guarantee that things are going to work out with us, and he seemed just shocked. That only frustrated me more because I feel like I've been telling him that we have issues for the longest time. Yes, maybe they're not huge and earth-shattering, but the small things have been slowly chipping away and creating bigger cracks in our foundation. As much as I long to be a mother, I have no desire to get pregnant right now because I just don't know what's going to happen. I can't justify bringing a child into the world when my future is uncertain... it just doesn't seem right. And Hubby would be a great father, I know he would, so what's wrong with me?

Everyone thinks we're the perfect couple... everyone. And from the outside, we probably seem to be perfect for each other. And I know the first two years of marriage are supposed to be tough, but aren't they also supposed to be wonderful? Looking back, I feel like I've just been disappointed in so many ways. And it could be that my expectations are too high, although I've never planned on rainbows and sunshine every day. I know that real life is hard; marriage takes work. But shouldn't I want to work on it?? Shouldn't I still feel that little spark when I catch his eye across the room? Aren't we still supposed to be having hot honeymoon sex? Hell, we didn't even have hot honeymoon sex on our honeymoon! On our trip to Ireland last year for our first anniversary, we were ready to come home a day early! Come on- that's just not normal, in my opinion. We bicker about so many things. I'm so frustrated.

When we bought our new house, we didn't christen it for two whole weeks... again, not normal. And I'm a very sexual person... I just don't feel that way about him anymore. I feel so bad about that, and I've tried to make things better and more exciting but it just doesn't seem to work. And Hubby is a good looking man... he's sweet and very kind but he just doesn't fire me up. We get into arguments every time we walk the dog together. We argue about new dishes. And the arguments never end in any kind of great, fun, make-up session. We silently stew and then he acts like nothing happened.

Again, I can't stress how wonderful Hubby is... my family and friends adore him. My four brothers call him their fifth brother. His family is wonderful as well, warm and loving and just wonderful people. So what's wrong with me?? Why can't I just be happy with what I have and live my life and be content? Is chemistry really that important? I just can't handle the thought of going through life not feeling that spark for my husband. I've been trying to rekindle it for a long time... we've only been married for less than two years, for crying out loud! And I know lots of other young marrieds who don't have these issues. I've started seeing a counselor to try to figure things out, and I'm seriously considering a separation. Hubby continues to think things aren't that bad. It breaks my heart to know that I may have to hurt him.

I'm worried. And I'm scared.