Getting a Grip

I had a great weekend... Had Thursday off as a comp day and Friday off because of President's Day (don't ask me why my company didn't observe it today like the rest of the world does). Hubby left Thursday night for a work trip to Fargo (Yah, sure, you betcha!) and then headed to his parents' home up north for the rest of the weekend. I was delighted to have time to myself... although, honestly, I didn't spend much time alone.

I actually went out of town for a day with a person very close to me and spent some time reflecting and discussing many different things with this individual. We also shared several dinners over the course of the weekend, something I enjoyed immensely. My mom and aunt and cousin came over to prepare for my future sister-in-law's shower as well... it took place yesterday and I must say it was a great success! The food and drinks were fantastic (thanks to my mom) and my house was spit-shined from top to bottom (thanks to myself). I have to admit, I have a great house. Everyone loved it... most of the relatives hadn't seen it yet and they were impressed. It was built in 1903, and the previous owners totally restored most of it and they did a fantastic job. I just moved in and decorated the place to my own liking. I'll have to post pics one of these days.

I also did some shopping and grabbed coffee with Renee on Saturday... and only managed to spend $2.99 on a sequin-edged tank top! Not a bad purchase. We're getting so excited for our trip to Ixtapa next month!! I can't wait for some fun in the sun! Did I mention it was sub-zero temps all weekend here?? Horribly cold.... like the kind where your fingers freeze inside your gloves. Not good.

So I had this great weekend and then hubby came home. He was happy to see me and told me he had missed me all weekend... unfortunately, I didn't feel the same way. I feel like I'm always looking for reasons to be out of the house and spend less and less time with him, something that makes me feel horribly guilty. Example: On Thursday morning he told me he was going to come home from work and take a cab to the airport. His flight was leaving at 6:30 pm. I worked around the house, went grocery shopping and to the liquor store, and was just getting out of the shower when he got home at 4:30 pm. And then he asked if I could take him to the airport. Not a big deal, right? Spouses do these things for each other with no qualms, right? So why did I get SO freaking annoyed??But of course I said I'd take him, even though I had to be somewhere between 5:30-6:00. I told him we'd have to take his car, as mine was low on gas, so I was hurrying him along (of course he hadn't packed yet, either) and we got in his car to go and guess what? His low fuel light was on. Even so, we made it to the airport, I dropped him off, and was a third of the way home when I looked down and saw his Blackberry sitting in the cupholder. He called me at the same moment, so I had to turn around and go BACK to the airport to drop it off, all the while driving on fumes. He was very apologetic and appreciative, and I felt like a bitch for being so crabby. What's my damn problem?

I've been seeing a marriage and family counselor for the last month or so and he basically told me last week that he thinks there isn't a lot of hope for my marriage, simply because I'm just not willing to put the effort in anymore. He said that I really haven't wavered in what I've been telling him from week to week and that it's okay if I don't love Hubby the way I once did... apparently people change and these things happen. He said I shouldn't feel guilty, and even though Hubby is a fantastic person, you can't always make yourself love someone. I'm having a hard time with this. I asked him if he thought a separation or couples counseling would help... he didn't think so, but I could certainly give it a try. He told me that he's in the business of saving marriages, not ending them, and he would never tell me these things if he didn't believe them to be true.

I just don't know... I've been so unsettled and have felt unhappy and dissatisfied with my marriage for a long time... not that anything really bad has happened... Hubby is good to me and never mistreats me. We have a lovely home and great families. He's charming, funny, warm and attractive. He loves me. Yet I still feel that something is missing. I've chosen to hold off on having children for these very reasons. Why bring a child into the mix when things are so off-kilter? It's not fair. And I do want to be a mother, very badly, in fact. Just not with my husband.

I need to get a grip. I just don't know how to do it.

Anyone who has been in a similar situation, PLEASE let me know your thoughts/advice. I'm grasping at straws here.